carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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