this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Randomize
