Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
