I just pynch a tree in the face
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
