just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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