Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize