I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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