I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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