you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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