I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
