i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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