her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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