That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I don't deserve a penis
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
