Your face is a jimmy john
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
