people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
