My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
