Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
