I wish I could teleport
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
