do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
