see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I just want nice things and good sex
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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