So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
