Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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