a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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