i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
