If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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