The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
