You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
did i walk over a car last night?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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