If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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