I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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