I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends