theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
