Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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