So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
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tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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