I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Your penis caused this!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
