this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
