Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
