I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
