I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
