I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
