Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
