Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
