nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
