Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
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I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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