The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
