Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
