how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
