Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I want a musical about memes.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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