Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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