Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
