I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
