i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
