i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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