At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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